i never thought holding a birthday party could be such a risk

alot of people end up judging you on it... the flow, the guests, the  music.. the place...

It seemed alot of people were expecting something big since the guest list was big

i don't really know what to say .. was it good?

I think most people thought it was pretty average. i stuffed up a few thigns, especially the information part, getting drunk to early and having stupid moments.. even the f**#@ music didn't work properly

My speeches... wtf, can't even remember but apparently i was too drunk.

God damnmit, I just want some good things to come already!

it's times like these you wish.. you could have someone to talk to, just help you , talk too..

perhaps i'm being way to hard on myself but i was expected to deliver and i couldn't.

how many times in life has people expect you TO deliver and you couldn't?

i've had that too many times, it makes you... depressed really..

Maybe i should........ just stop trying..

Adrenalin rush

Life as you know it at 21 and 11 months

Ever had that feeling where your running around in circles doing the same thing over and over again? where you feel like you need a change just to see what's out there?

I guess the best way to put it is the example of going to a gym ; you train, you do your routine work out every week and you've reached a maximum. It's time to take the risk and level up, whether it be to stack on more weights, increase the repetition or increase your throughput. There's something about taking it that step further that energizes you to go to that next level. call it an adrenalin rush but it what brings out of our comfort zone and open new doors of opportunity.

So where am i going with all this?

Recently a birthday party had passed and of course as usual it was the perfect opportunity to meet new people Cough* girls*.  and so there was this pretty girl who most guys would be eyeballing but i would agree ; she was just that ; a pretty girl. It's funny. I'm not sure about my state of mind back then but I couldn't bring myself to even go up and talk to her when the opportunity arose. I'd just sit back...... and do nothing; timid , scared for some reason. Looking back I think I was over analytical of the entire thought and couldn't pull it off.

the hell ?

Think the only thing holding me back was going up and talking to her knowing friends would be watching, and they'd see my success or failure for that matter. But you know, i failed anyway because I couldn't even bring myself up to talk to her. and so another opportunity passed where you could of done something.

That feeling of the adrenalin rush; I'm sure most people know what I'm talking about - seeing that crush , taking a risk, asking a girl out ; it really brings the life out of you. Lately I haven't been much and it's been so boring and unmotivating that It feels like I just need to do something risky again just to bring myself back to life again.

But could this be why people - cheat? their relationships are normal and their excitement has died ; but talking to new people gives them that adrenalin rush , the same one they once had with their partner at the earlier stages of their life?

that adrenalin rush...

Other than that life is very meh atm. very very meh
As far as clinical placement goes, i've always looked foreward to it ending, because it would mean infinite time to stay up late , game and sleep.

but it's somewhat awkward this time around. not a bad awkward but uncomfortable, sad even. Somehow I've grown attached to the current placement I'm in. Perhaps it's the people i've met there and how I could just so easily get along with everyone and how it was chilled. Perhaps it's the friends i've made, the fun and not so fun things we'd journey into for the last 6 weeks and how we got to know each other in a much more friendly way as oppose to professional. And yet here I am, knowing tomorrow is the last day but.... dreading it.

I could even say I'm going to miss the place. That's something fyi. Sure I'd love to get a job there but competition is tough and I'd need some sort of luck to pass through. sigh..

My closest analogy is comparing it to something that of an an rpg game. You know how your about half way through the game, you enter a village, a massive event happens, some emotional changes take place, the friends you've made and the boss battles you've thought together, and after saving the village from total destruction and making such valuable friends, you have finally have to wave good bye to continue that journey to restore the gems of deltora?

It's a pretty lame analogy but then again, when have i not been lame?

and such is life...

And that's life for you.

well that didn't really make any sense but let me attempt to explain.

So when you don't have anything to do, you tend to think about things. Call me mr philosphical but I've come to notice how much has changed over the past 5 years.

You can see it on facebook, y ou can see it on people's behavior.

2 years ago facebook was active; people will be posting just about anything and everyone was having "fun" ; the friends i have who are 15-18 yo still talk about random things ; you know young love, movies, paying each other out ....... but as we grow older we stop; is that just maturity or what? I mean I've noticed many people had just stop fbing posts.

Several key reasons I have come up with:

To be judged:

Now that we are adults, are we more, in a sense, judged by every little thing we say or do? younger we could come up with an excuse saying oh his just young he'll learn... but now that that excuse is no longer "valid" do we just keep our mouths shut in the hope of continuing life without an attempt to lose any respect? to no embarrass ourselves just in case we say something stupid to make us "look" stupid?
Yes, this little trend I've noticed is as you get older, you are more quieter and reserved. Is this part of growing up?

I've noticed that as I walk in the shopping mall during a lunch break from placement in uniform, people will look at me, differently than say, if I were in casual; immediately people judge me to be "smart" since this uniform represents me going to uni, having good acedmic work and a good future; the look I call it. I feel that I am entitled to act/behave more smarter then I should be ( or are they looking at my bulkiness from the gym? o_o) so this reflects the whole fb incdent ; minimal posts and being very reserved.

Otherwise getting a partner sure has "changed" people's behavior to the more quieter zone. Not sure if it's to save people embrassment for the partner but it is painstakinly obvious that when your off the market, your not only quieter, but you... almost dissapear from the world or "social" club.

I speak from observation of course; and we've all seen it.

But this is the just the way life goes I guess; the next chapter? step in life? being part of an adult? Sometimes I feel like I'll be immature forever or something so it's a bit harder to adapt to this adulthood phase. zzzzzz


Yeah; we all have things to do, more so then others. Then why is it im the only one who feels like i have NOTHING to do? pehaps just having this idea and writing in this post is indictive of my minimal busy life.


Everyone seems to be growing up faster than I am ; and hell sure we've all heard "you grow up at your own pace" but no, thats not a good enough sxcuse


man I need a life
Wow, new layout for blogger. Wonder if people still come here..

Anyways it's been about a month since my last post

and as always alot has happened... too much

but yeah right now........ I'm in the midst of a massive transition. call it intuition because it's my last year at uni I need to know what I want to do in the immediate future

do I continue to study and take that dream job I always once looked foreward too or do I settle with what I have and be grateful I am in this position?

It's so confusing...

sigh.. decisions decisions

Do you ever wonder if the world gives you things for a reason? I'm mainly talking about .. you guessed it. girls. lol.

So I was minding my own business during my new placement when this girl.. who's 4 years out of grad or something like that comes by and, me being me, thought she was kinda pretty. with a bit of ann accent , and a smaller frame, she'd be the nice gfy type.

Finally, i had something to look foreward too for once. So we caught on and talked about random stuff , and I thought I was doing well in that regard, but as always , I find out something I don't really want to hear - she's got a bf. Whats worse, they've been one month engaged.

Plays song "wedding dress - Taeyang"

One month too late? didn't really matter anyway. But I kinda think this girl woulda had something for meifwasn't engaged or something


anyways we have a new topic we keep going back too ; weddings

being a  wedding catererr, I've seen heaps and we just go on about what works, what doesnt , what happens etc.

it's fun and all but you know that it's just conversation and nothing more

sometimes i think the world teases me or just wants me to have some sort of epiphany.

ahh man.

I'm at this really wierd stage of life right now  like it's so turbulent and crazy - do other people experience this same stuff?

like I'm not really looking foreward to anything but i don't have a reason NOt to, since i have it fairly ok at the moment...

please give me something to work with ?


ive always been fairly quiet, throughout life. I can talk to anyone without really caring what their response is. Ever since I was a kid, I was kind of always a loner, had maybe one friend through the later years of high school.

but I think it's gotten worse.

So cambo n ew year has come up and i went to the temple.
A sisters friend came up and started talking to me and well...

I just froze

I don't even know how to SMALL TALK ANYMORE

I don't know what to say, what to think, my mind just feels blank most of the time

it's like a void or something.

It feels like im disconnected with the world

maybe i'm going crazy


maybe im so out of practice with talking to people that i've forgotten how to talk to them

Looking back at my previous posts, I've come to realize how terrible my spelling and grammar is. They've never really been my strong points but damn it's so scruffy.
Time to make an effort in making it look nice.

.......... yeah right

so just finished 8 weeks of placement and still have an assignment to finish off. zzzz

Lam's party passed. have to say it was actually not too bad. My attempts at talking to girls was a mixed bag thought. win and lose. lol speaking of which I haven't a long conversation with a girl in so long that it feels like ive totally how to forgetting HOW to talk to them - quite evident at the party.

I guess it's like gyming. keep training and you get stronger and used to it. and yet, me being so cooped up in my room playing games, whether it be dota2 or sfxt has sharpen those skills at the cost of my ability to communicate with "girls"

it sounds rather stupid doesnt it.

But I rekon theres a truth behind it.

ahh girls.

one of my friends asked me about hitting the clubs and picking up.

I told him I never was a clubbing person and my ability to even talk to girls was very minimal and that I couldn't.

Funny how he replied that he rekons I could easily if I tried wh ich got me thinking If i could, then why does every girl I've ever asked out reject me?

Maybe I just go for the wrong types.

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I was doing it all wrong and that maybe a different approach was need.

so funny, because my hairdresser , whom i see every 2 months would ask...
so you got a girl friend yet?

and of course my reply

" still dreaming"

and we'd talk about what kind of girl I should get, you know the whites vs. asian

she's probably the only one i talk to anything about haha

anyways it's like 4th year and doesn't feel like im going anywhere.

I totally won my last big tournament for a sfxt just barely.

and there was this girl that was watching - I saw her and I thought she was actually quite pretty and wanted to talk to her but after i'd won....... with the whole trophy announcements and the photos she ... was gone.

after I could get myself into browsing mode, not to sound stalkerish in anyway but.. i tried looking for her just to say hi, ask her what she thought of my game and even maybe get her name etc. but it turned out I couldnt find her so it was a bit of a disapointment which sucks

and another oppertunity has gone.

damn. shes somewhere in that vid, you'll see her

so yeah sfxt is just another hobby which is dying soon

mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I don't know what to do right now